Today, I will introduce you to the baby boy I never got to bring home. This day 10 years ago I gave birth to our first child, a son named Mason, who turned our worlds upside down. I could go into all the details of the pregnancy, but I don't feel that is relevant anymore. What is relevant is what transpired from that moment on. It in the wee hours of January 17 2002 when my water officially broke while laying in the hospital bed on day 5 of bed rest. Dozens of doctors and nursed flooded our little delivery room, expecting the worst, but completely unsure of what was to come. I began pushing around 10:150am..I remember looking at my nurse and begging for the epidural, she sweetly smiled and said "it's too late, you need to start pushing!" I didn't push long, maybe 20 minutes or so before the final big push and our beautiful, ever so quietly squeaking boy was born. It's difficult to describe in words what I felt or what I saw the moment he was born and I saw him. I'll try my best, so please bare with me. At that moment he was born I remember sitting up and looking towards the end of the bed where the doctor was standing, cover from head to toe in blue scrubs holding my tiny 1.5 pound 12 inch long squeaking baby boy. The room went dark, all noises ceased to exist and there was this light on Mason. Kinda like a spot light but softer and calming. There was for a brief moment a peace that all in the world was going to be ok and this is going to be the strongest and bravest battle I'll ever have to endure. Just as fast as that moment arrived, it left. I was surrounded once again with the noise and chaos from everyone rushing and fighting and trying with all their might to get this boy stable. I was 21 and barely knew how to be a wife, let alone a mother who fully understands the concept of what was happening. The reality hadn't set in...sadly that didn't really set in until a few years later when I broke down and beat myself up with the "What ifs". Things were touch and go over the next few weeks. I was restricted from driving for 2 weeks. With Chad going to school and working full time it was very difficult to go anywhere. We needed him to work and with one car I was stuck at home. I relied on a few friends who randomly offered to take me to the hospital. Usually, Chad and I would go for an hour or two in the evenings after he got off work..There wasn't much to do in the NICU, neonatal intensive care unit, expect watch Mason lay there helpless in this isolette bed having a million tubes coming out of every available vein on his tiny body. He was being supported with a breathing machine and holding him was out of the question.. There was no bottle feeding, no diaper changing, no clothes to change, to rocking, there was nothing I could do except hold is hand waiting for the day this would all be behind us and we'd be a normal family. Little did I know that this was our normal family. I never would have ever imagined the amount of time I would have with him physically in our family. Well, those two weeks went by fairly quickly and he was progressing at such an alarming rate that the doctors comments at how well he'd been doing!! We were excited over the little accomplishments he was making! We went and visited him one evening, like we had been doing, we some the most amazing thing ever. He was looking at us!!! Our boy's eyes came unfused earlier that day and he had the most beautiful bluish/gray color ever. There was depth to him. He looked at us and watched us walk from one side of his "bed" to the other! It was awesome! The nurse came up and asked if I would like to do Kangaroo Care with him! Kangaroo Care is where a preemie is strong enough to be outside of his "bed" for a short time, of course with all his tubes and what not. They lay the babies on your chest, skin to skin. It's suppose to help them and make them feel like they are still in the womb. He was two weeks old that day, his eyes had opened, and I got to hold him for the first time in both our lives. They only allow one parent to hold and each Kangaroo Care session. Chad of course gave the opportunity to do this first!! I am forever grateful for his allowing me that pleasure! His nurse said they would do a trial run for a few minutes then check to make sure he's still doing ok, liking it. She came back and he was doing great! He couldn't move his head or anything but his eyes stayed open the whole time. I got to soak up every minute in the HOUR he was out! I can still close my eyes and remember every detail of that hour. How he smelt, his softness, how stuffy it was in the NICU, all the beeping going on with all the babies, but most of all I remember his small body laying on my chest wrapped up in my shirt to keep him warm and his middle finger on his left hand scratching my! lol I can still feel those scratches today! Well my hour was up and back in his bed he went. We kissed him good night and left the hospital. That was a Thursday night. Friday evening everything changed. Our world and our faith began falling apart. Evil had found it's was in and was ripping up this happy, young, struggling family. Mason had gotten sick and they didn't know why...the days that followed were medically and emotionally challenging. They tried everything but he wasn't getting better. They ran test but everything was inconclusive (they had no clue what was going one). Our families came into town that following Saturday and wanted to see him fro the first time. I on the other hand didn't want to see him in this state. I wanted my warm and strong son back. I gave in a we all went to the hospital..I called back to the NICU and said I was coming back. The nurse on the phone said NO! lol tell a mother she can't come see her baby, I don't think so....I went running to the NICU, only to find him slowly loosing the biggest fight of his life. I didn't know what to do! God was definitely our strength that week. We had prayed about what to do and how to make decisions that seemed impossible to even comprehend. We both woke up that Saturday morning with a peace and comfort. We had no clue what that was around for. Little did we know that later that evening we would be holding on to that same peace unable to be comforted by His presence. Mason wasn't going to make it. The whole family was giving a private section
of the NICU and Mason was baptised and prayed over. Our families went to wait in the lobby. Chad and I were lead to a small private room with a door. The nurses and doctors were at Mason's bed unhooking all iv's and breathing tubes. They wrapped him up in a blanket and put a hat on his head. The door, Mason was placed in our arms, and we fell apart. I remember I said "God, if this is supposed to be one of your miracles, you should probably hurry because he's fading fast." We took turns hold and kissing our sweet boy. Telling him how much we loved him and how much we'd miss him. We knew deep down inside this miracle wasn't going to happen. About 30 minutes later, something amazing and sad happened all at the same time. The room once again went dark and there was this light and such an overwhelming since of God presence filled every square inch of that tiny waiting room. Just as fast as that that presence was there, it was gone, and with it was our son forever. Mason had passed away. All we had left was his body that we held on and thought for maybe by some small chance God would change His mind or that He had made a mistake. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. Mason was gone and we were broken, emotionally and spiritually. Nurses came in and took him away from us and we watched her walk down the hall and disappear down the elevators. Chad and I were lost. What are we going to do now!? I didn't understand what happened or why it happened. All I knew was that God had a plan, albeit at the time a crappy plan in my opinion.
Looking back over the last 10 years, we have questioned our faith in God, His reasoning, His plans, His timing and His will. Even though we are no closer to the answer today than we were 10 years ago, I can saw that we are at peace with what happened. We have moved forward one day at a time. We did have a fairly rocky few years in there, but all in all we are a whole family today. Sometimes I think about if I was ever given a "do over" would I take it? I can honestly say that I wouldn't take the "do over"! I know your probably saying "what?! why wouldn't you want your son here with you?!" Well that answer is easy! I wouldn't be the same person today if things had gone differently. I wouldn't be laying on my bed, at 4:40 in the afternoon, on a Tuesday in January, writing about the son who we were blessed to have in our lives even for a short time, all the while our daughter laying beside me laughing and talking to a Kipper video on my phone. Our relationship with each other would be completely different. It would have been like a whole different life. I love my life. What we went through made us stronger as both a husband and wife, but more importantly as a family in the body of Christ
. "I can do all things through him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. I hold that verse very close to my heart and who I am as a woman, wife, mother, and follower of Jesus Christ.
Mason at 1 days old.
Mason at 2 weeks old (he was having a good day, so his nurses "posed" him for a picture)
Kangaroo Care..Best hour of my life!
Over the past few weeks I've been telling Penelope all about Mason. She has an understanding of where Jesus lives and she knows that He isn't down here in physical form. She also knows that Mason lives up in heaven with Him. In His kingdom, getting things ready for us to return! I have a reoccurring thought that always makes Mason around 5 years old! I miss him everyday! I love him with all my heart! He will always be our first born!
This concludes today's installment of PBW. I hope you have enjoyed my post today. Until next time...
Happy Reading!
