Today my heart speaks...

I woke up today with a heavy heart.  For the past few years since I've been attending Life Community Church, we have been doing a corporate fast.  It's based off the Daniel Fast.  Anyways, the first year we a complete bust.  Instead of focusing on the reason of the fast, to be drawn into a deeper relationship with God, we put all of our energy and focus on what we could/couldn't eat.  So, last year since we knew what to and not to eat, we focused more on our walk with God.  I know some pretty awesome things happened, but can I recall what it was? NO! Why? oh becuase my memory is shot! lol  I do know that it was pretty amazing and we had an awesome year! We are currently in the second week of this years fast and I can say that it hasn't been nearly exciting or positive.  I decided not to do the Daniel Fast partly because the food you are supposed to eat, we have included that in our normal everyday diet.  Instead, I have decided to fast Facebook, Pinterest, and all things to do with the T.V.  The object of the fast is to remove the "distractions" that wold pull you away from having  quiet time devoted to reading the Bible or praying or simple spending time with God.  In the begining I would say I did pretty well!  I didn't look at Facebook or Pinterest, although I did catch myself watching Penelope's movies and shows.  I know that during the fast you can pray about something specific like, marriage issues, financial breakthrough, children, jobs, etc.  Some just take this time to let God move where He wants to in their lives.  For me, I did pray from something specific.  I had believed that God would hear my prayer and answer it!  So yesterday when it was crystal clear that He hadn't answered it, I became sad and angry. What?! A Christian got angry at God?! Heck yes I did and I told Him how I felt He had let me down.  I had prayed that He would bless us again with another baby.  All I have ever wanted to do and become is to be a supporting and loving wife and a mother of a houseful of kids running up and down the halls!  I am almost 32 and have 1 sleeping in the room across the hall  and 1 playing somewhere up in Heaven talking and walking with the One who I felt hadn't heard my prayers!  What am I supposed to do when all I have ever wanted to do, does not come easy to me, nor do I have any control over it!  How do I lay my control down so He can do what He's planned to do the whole time.  Why is that so hard for me?!  I do confess that I do have control issues, that range from my husband, money, Penelope, myself, and especially my life.  I sometimes feel that I know what's best for me and my family but in the end God has the final word!!  One of my biggest questions is why can't God's final word be audible for me to hear? Am I not praying the right words? Is He to busy to hear me? or Am I so stuck in the controll department that I can't hear Him?  Today after feeling let down I decided that I could just get off my fast and check out Facebook! What what the harm? According to me my fast was over.  My answer came yesterday. So as I was reinstalling the app on my phone my heart began to beat 3 times as fast as normal and my hands became damp from nerves! Nerves?! Why was I nervous? It wasn't like it was doing something was sinful, I didn't go behind someones back and do this. So what was the problem?!  Well, the problem was that on January 9th I made a promise, so to speak, to NOT look on FB during this 21 day fast.  I had chosen to not keep up that promise!  I immediately text my husband and asked if I was going to hell because of this! I knew the answer but needed to hear it from someone else! He definitely confirmed my answer with a NO! lol But still I felt that I had let Him, God, down.  I had just done the very same thing that I got so upset with Him about!  I promised not to go on FB and did.  He promises everything our hearts desire. 

Psalm 37:3-7 "3-Trust in the LORD and do good.  Then yuou will live safely in the hand and prosper.  4-Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires. 5-Commit everything you do to the LORD.  Trust him, and he will help you. 6-He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn adn the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.  7-Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act..."

I know for a fact that God does NOT renig on a promise!  He promises us an eternal life with Him in His kingdom if we accept Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and saviour. John 3:16.  I did have a choice today.  I coudn't have choosen to NOT log in to FB, but I did.  God didn't turn away from me.  He wants me to stop doing things on my own just because I think I know better.  God's way is ALWAYS better, even though we may not understand or see that right now!  I shouldn't get angry because I'm not having another baby. I should rejoice in the Lord for the little girl I have sleeping in her warm and cozy bed.  She looks up to me as her provider and protector.  She trusts me with everything she has.  I can see that trust in her face when my arms are stretched out and she leap off her changing table, suspended in mid air for a split second, before she is safe in my arms again.  A friend once said something in our mommy's group that brought me to tears.  She said in time of sorrow and pain, don't look to God with anger or frustration as if he was our enemy, but instead picture God with us in that moment.  His arms wrapped around us in the most comforting embrace we couldn't ever imagine.  For at that same moment God isn't celebrating becuase we are hurt, He is hurting becuase we are hurt.  We are His children!! He doesn't want to see us in pain or hurt, He wants to see us happy and rejoice for all that He has done.  He is our everything. I need to step back an reevaluate why I really went on this fast in the first place.  Like I told my small group, I don't pray for something specific, (i felt emabarassed telling them my real prayer) I allow God to move in my life where He wants too.  I ask Him to continue working His will in my life.  That is honestly my hearts desire for the remainder of the fast! 

Thanks for letting reading today installation of PBW.  Had no idea where it was going when I began to type. Untill next time....

Happy Reading!!